Do you think you’ll be better by this weekend?

Do you think you’ll be better by this weekend?
OK, here, I am, Mr. Sunshine. Ready to spread good cheer and happiness to all the world. No, wait, that’s not right… I trampled on that guy before he got in the
door.
I got negged for chemo today. Apparently, I am not worthy enough to receive poison today…
OK, so I’m being a bit harsh… Needless to say, I’m pretty upset that I missed another treatment today… Again, not
because I especially enjoy the effects of poison in my body. But more because I’ve gotten “psyched” up to have chemo today. I was ready to get the “juice”, “sauce”, “medicine” that was going to make me better. I had
prepared myself for the treatment. Stocked the fridge, adjusted commitments at work, made plans to have people come and see me, etc. But not gonna happen today.

It sucks. Makes it really hard to plan things… This cancer thing can really mess up your social calendar…
So, the details: Went to the doc, and the first thing they do is take your blood counts. We “regulars” call it
the finger stick because they use this “thing” to prick the end of your finger, then the technician “milks” the blood into a small tube. Then they put it into a machine which spits out a report with about 15 different measures of your
blood (whites, reds, platelets, hemoglobin, and a lot of others that I don’t understand). It was at this point I realized my WBC was 3.1 and needed a 3.5 for treatment (incidentally, I went in on Tuesday to see how I was doing and I
had a 3.8). One would think that the count should have gone up from Tuesday, but as it turns out, one of the chemo drugs, Adriamycin, actually causes a depression in WBC after 10 – 14 days (just in time for the next treatment).
Then I had to wait an hour to see the doctor (it was like a zoo at the office today). Plenty of time to sit and think…
Well, a count of 3.5 is not set in stone, so we tried haggling with the doctor. He won, because his
reasoning was based on sound medical advice, and ours was based on “well, we’re already here and ready, so how about giving us the sauce?”. His reasoning is that while I could have chemo today, my counts would be below 1 tomorrow (1
actually is 1000, because the numbers are in kilo units). Then, I could get an infection and be in the hospital for a week… Ok, so he wins. When your counts are really low, even the bacteria that exists in your body can
get to you (such as those in intestines, mouth from brushing teeth, etc… shouldn’t even be shaving with a razor in case of cutting yourself).

So, we’ll try again on Monday… I think I’m most upset that now I have to go to work tomorrow

Oh stewardess, I speak jive…

Oh stewardess, I speak jive…
Well, I figured it was probably time to write a journal entry again. It’s been a long week and I’ve got a lot on my mind. I didn’t wind up going into work until Wednesday this
week. I got up to go to work on Tuesday, sat up for a few minutes, then went right back to bed! The exhaustion was something else! It lasted for days 3, 4 & 5 after the treatment. since this is the first time
this has happened, I’ll definitely be discussing it with the doctor this week. I don’t know if anything can be done about it, but we’ll see.
I’m scheduled to have another treatment on Thursday… In a few short hours, I’ll go
from 1/4 done to 1/3 done. Hey, it’s something to look forward to. I’m wondering if my blood counts will be high enough, though. I don’t know what effect the exhaustion had on my body. Maybe I’ll go in Monday for a
blood test to see…
Thursday would also have been my mother’s birthday. The 27th marks the one year anniversary of her death. I would have hoped there would be some closure at this point, but there isn’t. We’re still
involved in a lawsuit that won’t go away. As if I don’t have enough to deal with!
I’ve been thinking alot about the course of events of the past few months. In the beginning, we thought that I had mono. Boy, would I be
happy to have mono right about now. It’s just hard to believe all that I’ve been through in the last year. I’m going to be 25 next month, and I have cancer. That pretty much sucks (is that the understatement of the
year?). Yeah, but I have the good cancer… F*ck that! It’ll still kill me if I don’t fight it. Good cancer… Someone on the Hodgkins mailing list wrote, “look-I dont want to have to think about
statistics. I just want to feel invincible like you do.” That really hit home! I used to be invincible (I get the feeling I’ve said all this before… oh well, chemo brain). Statisctally, I should have never gotten
cancer in the first place! I had just as good odds at winning the lottery (even though I didn’t buy any tickets).
Alright, I’ve had enough of writing… I think I’m going to start to take more time off after treatments…

Sluggish, like a wet sponge.

Sluggish, like a wet sponge.
Well, I’m alive. That’s the good news. I had my chemo treatment (#3, beginning of the second cycle) on Friday morning. Oh, what fun! This treatment is really kicking my
ass! I was semi-ok Friday (considering I had chemo that morning). Somewhat Ok on Saturday (a little sluggish, but manageable). Then Sunday hit. I now know what “bone tired” means. I could barely move. I
woke up Sunday morning haven’t felt well since (it’s monday night). I was so tired last night I couldn’t sleep! Today was a little better, but I’m still very sluggish.
This treatment has been much worse (physically) than the
others. No energy at all. The first treatment was tough, but I think that was a lot more mental than anything else. The second treatment was easier. I didn’t have all the weird side effects, and was up and normal in
a few days. This one is bad. I have all the side effects again (metal mouth, sore throat, digestive problems, fatigue, weird feelings in my fingernails, etc).
I’m not a happy camper. Hopefully, this will pass by
tomorrow. I worked from home today (thank god for that). If I feel well, I’ll go in to work tomorrow.
Ughh! I’m not gonna write any more, I’m too tired…